Guilty. As. Charged.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you’re going to hear a lot of things from the defense today. You’re going to hear how the defendant came from very meager beginnings in the shipyards and neighborhoods of Pennsylvania. You’ll hear how its simple construction and packaging couldn’t possibly have made so many children and adults alike so happy for so many years.

What you WON’T hear is how the defendant conspired to entrance and hypnotize children with its wavy, snake-like dance and fun neon colors. What you WON’T hear is how the defendant used these children to manipulate their parents into buying it in mass quantities, making it one of the most classic toys of our time. What you WON’T hear is the doping effect it has on adults as they rock the ends back and forth in their hands.

FACT! Tracks found on the stairs at each crime scene will show that the accused was there, sometimes with an accomplice.

FACT! Eyewitnesses who were there at the scenes will testify to hearing “slinkity” sounds coming from those very same stairs only moments before an eruption of laughter and amusement. Our experts will prove to you that that sound is so unique, that it could only belong to one thing.

What else could cause such elation in a child? What else could possibly provide hours of entertainment for both young and old? A spring, ladies and gentlemen, a spring! A marvelous thing that sits here in this courtroom today attempting to convince you of its innocence.

The Defense simply has no case. When you put all the evidence together, there’s only one conclusion you a possibly come to.

In the end, everyone knows it’s Slinky.

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