No, no, no. Fizzle’s ears aren’t floppy enough, and that tail needs to be twice as adorable. You can’t call yourself a pet caricaturist yet.

The art patrons who attend the Landseer County Animal Wellness Fair have very refined tastes. If you can’t capture their pet’s distinctive foibles in a few brushstrokes, they’ll pass your booth right by. You’re only 7, so you have no idea how cutthroat the LCAWF’s Caricature Alley can get. But believe me, if you tried to pass off work like this, they’d verbally reduce you to kibble.

And don’t try blaming your Art 101 160-Piece Deluxe Wood Art Set. It includes pastels, colored pencils, acrylic and watercolor paints, an easel, a lapboard, and more, all stored in a wood case with two drawers, which should be all you need to produce delightfully whimsical portraits of dogs and cats. So stop whining and make with the whimsy. You think Lance Armstrong ever complained because his mom made him practice seven hours a day?

But if I don’t see the spirit of Fizzle shining through that paper, well, I’ll just call the LCAWF people and cancel your booth. Because there is no WAY I’m going to let you embarrass me, our family, our spaniel, or yourself with substandard pet caricatures.

OK, not bad. Much better this time. But see, now you made Fizzle’s tail too adorable. It’s a fine line, but that’s what they pay you for.

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