What do you mean by “the post-season,” huh, son? Because you don’t get a day off until I see a Bowl-sized ring on that finger!

Son, I’m glad YOU think late February is the time to start goofing off, but for real football players, late February only means you give 100% instead of 110%! Maybe once you can grab like Mario Manningham you’ll deserve a couple weeks off, but right now? You’re in the prime training years! So come on, put down that video game and lets hit the backyard gridiron. Hurry up! MOVE!

Okay, now, here’s the play. I’ll be back here with the Coop Gription Football 2-Pack and I want you to head straight up the center, then buttonhook right, and then I’m gonna throw the first ball left and you’re gonna cross and grab the heavy-duty stitching. Then the second you feel the super grip TPR technology against your palm, immediately break diagonal back towards me, because the second ball will be flyin’ at you. Run hard and don’t be afraid to dive. If you make it, you’ll get a hand on the Coop Gription Football’s real laces, and then it’ll be first down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean with all that “it’s not in the rules to use two balls at once” crybaby talk? Do you think the other team’s gonna play by the rules? This is war, son! You want to play a game, we’ll switch to baseball! No, no, come back here, we’re not switching to baseball. Listen, son. Take a knee.

Son, I love you. You’re the most important thing in the world to me this time of year, and you’re in the top three between September and February. That’s why I’ve got to be hard on you, do you understand? Because when you’re out on that field, and you’re down by four with ten seconds left, and the coach tells you to run that ball a hundred yards… well, son, I don’t want you to have to tell him no. You’re gonna be able to do the impossible, and when I look down from that skybox you’re gonna buy me and wave, the TV people are going to say “There’s a man who knows how to raise a great football player!”

So you ready now? You pumped? Yeah! YEAH! LET’S DO THIS, BABY! YEAH! BLUE SIXTY EIGHT! RED FORTY TWO! HERE COMES THE COOP GRIPTION FOOTBALL TWO-PACK SPECIAL! HUT HUT!

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