Honey, we’ve been over this. I don’t care how scared you are; if the red light is on, monsters have to stay in their beds.

“And so the happy little monster cub lived with his mommy and daddy monsters happily ever after. Okay, pal. Time for bed. Let me tuck your thorax under the covers and get your horns all snuggly against the pillow.”

“Dad, I’m scared!”

“What’s to be scared of, son? You’re perfectly safe. Mom and I are just down the dark, dripping corridor in our lair.”

“What if there’s humans?”

“Humans?”

“Under the bed!”

“Don’t be silly, kiddo. There’s no such thing as humans! That’s just make believe, like rainbows or sunlight or flowers.”

“I’m scared! I want to sleep with you guys on your pile of bones!”

“Now son, we’ve been over this. You see your Sleep Enhancing Stoplight Alarm Clock?”

“Yeah.”

“What color is the light?”

“Red.”

“And red means…?”

“Stay in bed.”

“Right! And when’s it time to wake up?”

“When the light’s green.”

“Exactly! So close your 17 eyes, turn off your sonar vision, and curl up on this warm pile of entrails. It’ll be time to rise from the depths and stalk our prey before you know it.”

“And you’re sure there’s no humans?”

“No, my sweet little monster cub. You’re safe as can be.”

Back to top