Did the union vote on this?

Dear NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell,

I am writing you regarding what could be the most exciting innovation in your sport’s history. As a devoted fan I have grown tired of watching my favorite team fall short of expectation annually. While the spirit of the fight for the playoffs is exciting, individual games have started to lose their luster.

Enter the Hasbro Nerf Rocket Football.

Before you ask, no, I am not suggesting the NFL replace the iconic pigskin with Nerf Rocket Footballs. Although I do feel there are some NFL Quarterbacks who could benefit from the lights on either nose indicating when your spiral is perfectly tight or not. No, Mr. Goodell, it is merely the name that has inspired my suggestion.

That’s right. I want to put rockets inside footballs.

Think of the passing statistics alone! Offense sells, Mr. Goodell, and no one likes watching Baltimore beat Cleveland 6-3 on a snowy November afternoon. They like watching Indianapolis try to hang 50 points on whoever is stupid enough to show up that day. Defense wins championships, but offense sells tickets, Mr. Goodell. And with QBs throwing literally-rocket-powered Haily Marys left and right there will be butts in the seats.

But don’t think this is an affront to fans of the “D,” either. Think of how much the defense will benefit when that rocket finally expends its fuel source and explodes? Think of the well-timed hits Linebackers and Safeties could deliver, causing a Running Back to actually detonate on the field?

ESPN and their ilk imply such images constantly in the highlights. Now’s the time to go all the way and give the fans what they want!

Sincerely,

Reginald V. Johnson, II

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