Dear Tucson Internet University: I’m writing to request a tuition refund for your online course, Beginning Helicopter Combat.

Frankly, the course did not meet its promise to “teach (me) how to turn the skies into a screaming abbatoir of fire.” When I enrolled, I expected somewhat more than a few slideshows and multiple-choice quizzes. I was also somewhat surprised that the instructor did not show basic familiarity with the subject matter. For the record, the “twirly-spinny-blades up on top” are called rotors. And contrary to the answer key for quiz #3, the star of Airwolf was Jan-Michael Vincent, not Jan Hammer.

I have opted to pursue my copter-fighting studies much more economically, with a 2-pack of Laser Tag Combat Apache Helicopters. While their two-channel radio control may not precisely mimic the controls of today’s battle rotorcraft, at least their laser-shooting capabilities do have a competitive combat aspect. With two of them, a fellow scholar and I can learn the rudiments of three-dimensional warfare together as we laser-shoot each other’s Apaches out of the sky. Also, they’re a lot more fun than an online quiz.

In keeping with my request for a refund, I must also regretfully return the thoughtful multimedia e-card I received upon my graduation. This is a particular shame for I have always loved that Vitamin C song.

Thank you,
Jared Mullen
Miramar, FL

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