It's not the 1580s. You don't have to strap your kid to a board being dragged behind a mule. Use a Baby Nari Hip Hugger and be comfy instead!
Ah, my dear cousin. Baby Nari, they called you. Now they call you Nari, Queen of Scots. And soon? Soon they will call you another forgotten soul who fell beneath my reign.
"I know, Kid, I know. Just ... just don't say anything. Pretend it's not a Baby Nari Hip Hugger the Queen is talking to right now. Pretend it's a person."
Yes, Nari. You thought a number of different sitting options would protect you from my wrath? I kept you close, not because you were my cousin, but because I know you covet my throne as your own. I will not be undermined, my dear. I was born to rule, and nothing you do will ever take that right from me.
"That's crazy! A Baby Nari Hip Hugger doesn't need a throne. It basically IS a throne! For babies to be carried around in!"
"Kid, you have to understand something. Royalty doesn't always, you know, play by the same rules as we guards do. So if she says it's her cousin the usurper, it's her cousin the usurper. The check still clears just fine. And anyway, that 3D inner lining isn't going to start digging an escape tunnel at 4AM, you know? Just let Her Majesty have her little rant, and then we can play cards after."
No, my dear cousin. Make your peace with your Lord, for at dawn, I will take you from this place and imprison you in the Tower of London, hidden behind an iron mask, and you will never again see the light of day.
"How is she going to get an iron mask on a baby carrier?"
"I don't know, Kid, she'll probably use the Velcro straps and the Duraflex buckle."
"Hey, maybe she'll hide the Crown Jewels in the storage pocket and then add theft to the charges."
"Ha ha ha! I'd pay to see that!"
I CAN HEAR YOU TWO, YOU KNOW.
"It's okay, Kid, cleaning latrines isn't that hard once you get into a rhythm."