Okay, you take the car shaped like a bat, and I’ll take the real heroes.

It’s okay by me if you want to play all the guys in weird costumes. That just means more Tonka Tool Trucks for me! And really, when you think about it, the characters I’m playing are a lot cooler.

See, this Tonka Tool Truck here is the rescue truck. It comes with a power tool as well, for when I have to maybe save people from a smashed up car or something. Check out these flashing lights on my toy jaws of life. Does your guy have flashing lights? Oh, he hides in the dark and beats people up? Yeah, that’s real heroic sounding. But whatever.

This one Tonka Tool Truck here is my work truck. It’s got a jackhammer, see? I pretend that I’m a father of four who works extra hours so he can buy his youngest child an extra-special Christmas present. How about your guy? Oh, he’s a millionaire with four kids who constantly talks about how alone he is? Gosh, that sure sounds heroic. What a good choice you’ve made in a role model!

No, no, I wouldn’t dream of trading. With my Tonka Tool Trucks I get the joy of playing in the real world. Hey, my dad said later I could maybe go with him to look at REAL trucks! Do you want to come with me? Oh, you can’t, because you’ll be trying to convince your mom to let you see a movie about your hero? A movie with a rating that means you can’t even go alone to see it in the theater for like another half a decade or so?

Sorry, man. But your hero’s kind of a jerk.

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