It’ll keep my baby safe, but will it keep me safe from my baby?

So, I know this First Years True Fit Convertible Car Seat received four-star “Ease of Use” government rating from National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, but how is it rated for “Ease of Restraint”? Like, let’s say we’re talking about a really strong baby, how would it do for that? Like, strong enough to bend break a remote control over his knee…

Hey! Are you staring at my cheek? What’s the matter? Haven’t you seen a man with a bruise on his cheek before? No, I know it looks like the palm of a tiny hand, but it’s not. I walked into a door, okay? That’s all. Just made contact with a door in a baby-palm-shaped way. I mean, what’s so weird about that? And why is it any of your business? Is it your policy here to pry into the personal lives of your customers? Jeesh! How about I ask the questions, alright?

So anyway the harness and these crotch straps, how strong do you think they are? You think a teething baby could chew through those? What if that same baby, hypothetically, ate through door once? And a picket fence? And maybe took a chunk out of the neighbor’s bird bath?

I mean, those are just examples. I’m just making sure that the people I’m getting this for – and this is for a baby shower, by the way; I’m not talking about my own baby by any means! – will be satisfied with how it’s built, you know?

Now, I see that this comes with a removable headrest for use in rear and forward-facing positions: that provides nice support for the baby’s head? Even if said baby head from time-to-time gets inexplicably hot, like hot enough to burn your fingers? And then things crash in our yard – ahem, our expecting friends’ yard – like weather balloons and maybe once a piece of a jet engine?

And, by the way, how teleportation-proof are we talking with this thing? Just out of curiosity…

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