A sparkly teenager's great for a youthful fling, but when it comes to settling down? Trust us, royalty's the way to go. As in Count royalty, or possibly Pharaoh royalty. Get the picture?

When I was young, I thought vampires were long-haired ne'r-do-well's in fancy French lace. How romantic! I swooned! A rock star! Then I grew up and discovered that rock stars get old, fat, bald and boring. If only I'd known then to always always ALWAYS go with the Vampire Lords and Pharaonic Mummies instead of the 108 year old 11th grader.

That's why MY child is getting one of these LEGO Clocks built into cute monster royalty. Don't believe me? This one here, this is the Vampire Lord, master of terrors and a nicely sized LCD screen with a backlight. And as you know, all Vampire Lords own their own castles. You don't see a lot of vagabond French poets taking the time to increase their property values, do you?

And what about this Mummy? You know, the dude that was so important that his subordinates built him an entire pyramid and then filled it with treasures? They all could have kept those treasures, but they didn't. You know why? Because of respect. And any Pharaoh who can pull THAT off with a clock in his tummy is clearly on the CEO fast track. That's the kind of monster who'll get you in with the country club circuit.

These clocks aren't just about kids having fun, building things out of LEGO and keeping track of the time. These clocks are about teaching kids how to make proper dating decisions. And when I finally become a grandmother, it's darn well going to be to a Prince Harry or a Kennedy, not to some pretty-haired one-hit wonder who ends up doing Broadway musicals! No offense, Sebastian Bach, I'm sure you're a very nice person on the inside.

But you're no Vampire Lord. And you're certainly no Pharaoh.

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