FutureDad: Give Your Kid a Wacky Name!

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by Randall Cleveland a year ago

One time, years ago, I went to buy some CDs at a place called Slackers back when people still bought things that physically existed and didn't just type "JUSTIN BIEBER FULL ALBUM.EXE" into whichever torrent site they had open. I handed the guy my credit card because I was 18 and dumb enough to do things like buy a CD on credit and the guy looked at it for a second before saying my name aloud and adding, "That sounds like royalty, dude." And you know what? He's right. My name is AWESOME. And if you want your kid to have any chance at being as successful as a childless internet copywriter dispensing parenting advice on a deal a day website, you'll heed my words:

Give your kid a wacky name.

Dr. Picklepants Hootsniffer, at your service.

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FutureDad: Down with Tiger Moms, Up with Panda Parents!

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by Randall Cleveland a year ago

I don't have kids, but I might have them at some point if I can ever get my life in order to the point where I can manage to do my laundry on a weekly basis. But that doesn't mean I don't have great ideas about how to RAISE kids! So rather than waste your time and money on parenting magazines and videos and crap, come and get what you pay for with free parental advice from a childless Internet joke writer!

In researching parenting blogs and advice, it seems 2011 was the year of the Tiger Mom. Specifically, it was the year of Amy Chua's book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," either motivating parents or ticking people off with its hardcore advice. I'll admit, I barely skimmed the thing, but on the face of it this seems like terrible advice: keeping your kids in thickets and rocky crevices might be construed by the police as cruel and unusual, and you'll DEFINITELY get a call from Family Services if you're kicking your kids out into the world at only two years old, especially if all you've taught them to do so far is chase down big game and kill it.

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Futuredad Speaks: Don't Set Rules For Your Kids!

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by Randall Cleveland a year ago

I'm not a dad. Yet. But my wife and I plan on having kids some day, which is why I've started formulating my perfect parenting strategy now. Once you have kids, you're too close to the situation to really look at it objectively. Emotions get involved. Things get messy. If you don't want to make stupid mistakes that ruin your kids' lives, you need the kind of detached perspective you can only get from a childless 30-year-old joke writer on the Internet.

That's why I've decided to impart some of my knowledge to you, the current and future parents of children across the world, so that you have a half a chance of raising a decent human being.

Today's lesson? Rules. Specifically, don't have them...

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Five Holiday Toys That Trouble Us

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by Scott Lydon 3 years ago

Now that we've opened our gifts and folded all the lovely paper to use again next year, it's time to reflect. Time to take a moment and think about why, exactly, our kids wanted that one specific toy. Time to place bets on how long it will be until it loses their favor. And although we'll know when, and maybe even how, we'll never completely understand why.

After the jump, we've compiled a short little list of some toys we found confusing this year. We'd love to hear your views in our comments as well...

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Name Your Own Tween Girl-Pop Sensation!

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by Jason Toon 4 years ago

Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Ashley Tisdale, Jordan Pruitt, Avril Lavigne, Skye Sweetnam: if you want to be a girl popstar in the new millennium, it helps to have a name that sounds like a law firm. Start with a gender-neutral first name that could also be a last name, then add a last name that's neither too outre nor too commonplace and maybe sounds like it could've been an Old West sheriff's last name. Next stop, Radio Disney!

So for the benefit of you stage parents raising the next High School Musical breakout sensation, here's a simple way to find a bankable nom de pop for your little superstar. First, take a first name from this list of the 1001st through 2000th most common surnames in America. Then find a last name on this list of U.S. counties. Then call an agent and make room in your bank account. Here are a few I came up with:

• Shea Adair
• Hartley Montrose
• Kendall Frio
• Archer Rankin
• Dougherty Lanier
• Swain Schuyler
• Frey Lewis
• Yarbrough Toole
• Boyce Jerauld
• Winter Scurry
• Pryor Waldo
• Donahue Irwin
• Beatty Placer
• Nix Clearfield
• Nance Sibley
• Downey Vilas

See? Just imagine it: "And with the number one record in America for the twelfth straight week, it's Swain Schuyler..." Or this: "I'm Pryor Waldo and I'll be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest Nix Clearfield..." Just cut me in for a couple of points on your little tot's debut album, OK?

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