Summer Infant Baby Gate

by wootbot

The Gate

Your baby needs to be safe behind a strong, strong gate. You don't want just anyone waking them up while they're dreaming.

It was a dark, cold evening when Professor Hallatorium pulled on his ritual robes and walked up the stairs. After months of study, tonight was the night: tonight he would open ... the gate.

"IAO CHTON!" the Professor yelled, facing the Summer Infant Baby Gate. "ARISE FROM YOUR SLUMBER! USHER IN THE AGE OF KALI"

Across the room, the tiny squid-faced monster sighed. "Seriously, dude. I'm trying to nap here."

The Professor rattled the Summer Infant Baby Gate. It was holding fast. The baby sighed.

"Yeah, I got it. You want to open my baby gate. But for real: don't, okay? I had a long century and I really need to crash."

"Shug buggle dnarth fullac rap!" The Professor shouted as he tapped the durable metal. Now, the squid-faced baby monster sat up and glared.

"Dude. Really. REALLY. You're NOT making it easy. And what are you even SAYING? Did you just get that accursed book from the mall and run with it? Here's a tip, buddy. Ultimate evil isn't going to be $6.95 or less."

The Professor could feel the madness upon him. "CTHON!" he yelled. "CTHON SHIBBOLETH R'LYEH!" The squid-baby shook its head, almost sadly.

"Okay, I'm not going to harp on what you just said because I know you didn't mean it that way, but it was SUPER offensive. But for real, stop playing with my gate. I might look like a baby in a crib, but I'm actually six million aeons old. To me, YOU'RE the baby. That gate's not to keep me in, it's to keep YOU OUT! Also it stops the dog from knocking over my water in the night."

The Professor began to shake. It was now or never. He had to use the magic words


The squid-faced baby groaned and put its face into its palm.

"Seriously? Seriously? Look, just take that book back to the store and trade it for Game of Thrones or something. Now buzz off, okay? I'm trying to fhtagn here."