Spider-Man Hooded Sweatshirt

by wootbot

Vicarious

"I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up. Not me, not I, not me!"

Tim walked into the living room, wrapped in a blanket and looking distraught. He stood in the doorway and sighed. When Michelle didn't look up, he sighed a little louder. When she still didn't look up, he cleared his throat and then went back to looking distraught.

"OK I'll bite," said Michelle. "What's wrong now? Did Jake decide he was too grown up for that new Spider-Man Hooded Sweatshirt you bought for him at the store and were so ridiculously excited about that it made me question your sanity and our marriage?"

"Ha ha, very funny," said Tim. "But as a matter of fact, I haven't even showed it to Jake yet."

"Why not? He's been home for like, two hours now. I had to stop you from driving over to the school and interrupting his class just so you could give it to him."

"Well," said Tim hesitantly. "Because, as it turns out, I'M the one who's too grown up for this Hooded Sweatshirt." Tim threw open the blanket dramatically to reveal that he had somehow managed to stuff himself into the hoodie, which was clearly 10 sizes too small for him. "The problem is, I can't get it off now."

Michelle started laughing so hard she was gasping for air. At first, Tim laughed along with her. But when she was still going five minutes later, he started to feel self-conscious, and closed the blanket back around him.

When she was finally able to collect herself, she said, "Tim! What is wrong with you? Did you really think that thing was going to fit?"

"Well, it's an 80/20 cotton blend. I thought maybe it would stretch a little."

"A LITTLE?" said Michelle. But it was too much for her, and she started laughing hysterically again.

"I just … the silk screen print is just so COOL with the one design on this side of the zipper and the other on this side."

"You mean those sort of stretched out blobs of indecipherable color?"

"Why can't they just make these things for big kids? Then maybe this kind of thing wouldn't happen!"

"Tim, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this probably has never happened before … to anyone … like, anywhere."

And with that, Tim harrumphed, turned on his heel and headed back down the hallway with as much dignity as a grown man in a teeny weeny Spider-Man Hooded Sweatshirt could muster.