Speed Bumpers Bumper Cars

by wootbot

Vrooom Honk Honk

They SAY it's the ultimate R/C bumper car experience. But have they ever driven on the D.C. beltway during rush hour?

It should be a mandatory part of the driving experience, just like it is with planes. Before you can get in a car, you've simply got to log a few hundred hours of simulator time. But we wouldn't be cruel about it. No, no, driving an R/C bumper car set would absolutely qualify under our system.

Using these Speed Bumpers can teach you a few things a licensed driver absolutely needs to know. The first? Omni-directional movement and speed, just like a real car. Gotta watch the front, back and sides if you don't want to get slammed into!

The second tip? Built-in sound effects. You don't want to go teaching kids that car crashes go "tap!" like a boring ol' pillow fight. You're building a long-term love of demolition derby right here! Go for the gusto that only twisted metal noises can bring!

And the final thing they'll learn behind one of these two wireless controllers is that the winner is the last one in the car. The "rider" automatically ejects, making it super-easy to tell who the best driver TRULY is. Sort of like a rodeo, except remote controlled.

And when your child grows up, after a childhood full of racing Speed Bumpers, they'll be ready to master the road in a way that "realistic" driving games just can't introduce. Why? Because the real games are WAY too real these days! Are you kidding? Their first car isn't ever going to handle like a cutting edge racing game! It's gonna be a 1996 Dodge Dart with a hole in the floorboards and an unexplained thumping noise every time it gets over 43 miles an hour!

And if they don't learn how to avoid crazy drivers, there's no chance they'll keep their license long enough to rate that Maserati. Let 'em get all that crashing out of their system, okay? Teach 'em young, parents. Teach 'em young.