Seventh Generation Diapers
Grow Up
Diapers are for babies. Everyone knows that! That's why your baby should be proud of the diaper they have on. It's made just for them. For babies.
Alex slapped the Seventh Generation Diapers down on Julian's desk. "Here you go, man. I grabbed some of my cousin's Seventh Generation Diapers for you. Figured a baby like you would be due for a change about now."
Alex wasn't usually the sort of person to start a fight. But he'd known Julian for two semesters now, and in those two semesters, Julian had managed to help no one. In fact, during the Journalism lab they'd tragically shared, Julian had worked so hard to come up with reasons why he didn't have to contribute to the group project. Finally the group just stopped fighting him and went ahead and did the work for him. The project got an A, in which Julian was all too happy to share.
"Go on, Julian. Pick them up. Don't worry, I made sure the diapers were absorbent and soft. Each one is cloth-like, and there's a lower environmental footprint. Won't that be nice? You won't even have to worry about hurting the planet."
And it wasn't just the laziness, either. Julian wasted everyone's time as he dragged his feet, but he also openly mocked anyone trying to do anything on their own. An unpleasant person who acted like he couldn't wait to leave, but for some reason, never actually did. And today, Alex had had enough.
"Oh, no! Baby's knocked his diapers on the floor! Here you go, baby, I'll pick them up for you. Go ahead, put one on. Seventh Generation's been making diapers for twenty years, they surely know how to make fussy babies like you feel comfortable. And we'd hate for you to be uncomfortable, wouldn't we? Then you might be fussy! That sure would be sad, a fussy baby like you in this classroom."
Tomorrow morning, Alex might feel regret. Maybe he'd pity Julian, and all the wonderful things that Julian would never see, the joy that his worldview would never allow. But today, as Julian stormed out of the lecture hall, all Alex could think was It's about freakin' time.
"Don't go, Julian! You forgot your Seventh Generation Diapers! And you're not allowed to cross the street without holding a grown-up's hand! Julian! Isn't it nap time? Hey, won't you miss your feeding?"
