One time, years ago, I went to buy some CDs at a place called Slackers back when people still bought things that physically existed and didn't just type "JUSTIN BIEBER FULL ALBUM.EXE" into whichever torrent site they had open. I handed the guy my credit card because I was 18 and dumb enough to do things like buy a CD on credit and the guy looked at it for a second before saying my name aloud and adding, "That sounds like royalty, dude." And you know what? He's right. My name is AWESOME. And if you want your kid to have any chance at being as successful as a childless internet copywriter dispensing parenting advice on a deal a day website, you'll heed my words:
Give your kid a wacky name.
Dr. Picklepants Hootsniffer, at your service.
Think of all the "Dans" and "Toms" and "Steves" you know. I'll save you the trouble: you don't even know how many of them you know because those names are so boring they all blend together into one big pile of mush, like unflavored oatmeal. Blech. But I'll bet you know Gwyneth Paltrow's kid's name. It's Apple. Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Why'd she name her kid Apple? Because, in her words, "apples are so sweet and they're wholesome and it's biblical and I just thought it sounded so lovely and clean." Also, Apple will inherit her mother's fortune and not have to worry about getting a real job.
But you don't have to be a talentless celebrity dilettante to be able to give your kid a name people will remember! Whether your children will spend their lives whittling down the remains of the wealth you toiled ceaselessly to obtain or toil themselves, a name that makes a mark is essential. And if I'm being honest, "Apple" is too subdued. Feel free to pick any of the following child names, suggested here free of charge, or mix and match your faves! An added bonus is that these names are completely gender neutral, so no matter what you have, you've got a name!
- Sweet Tito
- Mufflepants Titannicus
- Roddenberry Darlingpuff
- Sexy Kevin
- Parsnip McGillicuddy
- Butthole Rodriguez
- Tic Tac Tic Tac Tic Tac Tic Tac Jones
- Snicklefritz Isaiah Thomas
- Katawampus Pennyfarthing
- Woodblizzard Fandango
- Loopy Peninsula
- Swarthy McFascism
- Iota Rococo
- Peppermint Albatross
See? With names like that, people will HAVE to take your kids seriously, because they'll stand out. And sound kind of crazy. People respect crazy. They respect it because they FEAR it. Let me know your best names in the comments!
Flickr photo Mr. Russell Wiggins, business executive, San Francisco, California, USA by Wonderlane used under a Creative Commons License.