New babies can be pretty exhausting. Filthy new babies even more so.
Hey, Jared. I thought I might find you out here. I don't know that we were properly introduced. I'm Tim, Maggie's friend Michelle's husband, otherwise known as the only other guy at the co-ed baby shower besides you. No, no, it's no big deal. Besides, just my being here gets me out of so much past trouble, you wouldn't believe it.
Man, you don't have to give me the "just stepped out for some air" bit. I know how stuffy it gets when the tiny socks and cute little outfits get squealed over and the all-natural teething toy discussions start. Everything starts to feel a little more real and suddenly being a dude makes you totally unprepared for the Grand Emergence. It's cool, man. Everyone goes through this, even women sometimes. At least, that's what it said in a book Michelle made me read, so I'm sticking with that.
See, once upon a time, I was the guy standing on his back porch with the only guy who came to our co-ed baby shower. That guy? His name was Ted. He was my wife's work friend's husband, too. And you know what he told me? "Better you than me," he said. Can you believe that? What a jerk, right? And you know what I did? I lied to him and told him I didn't have any beer in the house. Because, seriously, I was not about to share a brew with that guy.
So I'm not going to be that guy, Jared. I'm not going to give you an Aveeno Baby Care kit and... Oh, they haven't opened gifts yet? Oh, well, that's what you're getting: shampoo and lotion. Totally comes in handy when you're washing and changing the baby. It's all allergy-tested, fragrance-free, and made with certified organic ingredients, too, so it'll fit right in with the all-natural teething toys or whatever.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Advice. I've got some, and it's pretty good if you ask me.
Parenting is awesome. It really is. But it's also really, really tough. You're going to worry. You're going to be frustrated.There's bawling and these incredible screams that will rip your heart to shreds. You're going to look at yourself in a mirror and miss the you that existed before you had kids. You'll say no a million times and you'll feel awful about it nearly half those times. You're going to read things on the Internet about child care that are going to shatter your extremely sleep-deprived mind. And just when you think you can't handle it anymore, your kid will do something like be scared of his own farts or smile when you fart and it suddenly becomes awesome again.
So yeah, you know, be prepared for that, I guess. As much as you can be, at any rate.
Anyway, did that help at all? I hope it helped. It sounded a lot better in my head, to be honest.
Actually, yeah, I'd love a beer, thanks.