Kids.Woot® : One Day, You'll Understand™

The First Born

“Of course you can hold her, Michelle,” said Jessica, “Just as soon as you finish this questionnaire.”

“We just want to make sure our little Bristol gets the very best,” said Ryan. “It’s not that we don’t trust you-”

”-because we do! I mean, you’re my big sister, Michelle! You taught me so much about life!”

”-but we just know that Bristol’s at a very important time in her life, and everything she sees or does is teaching her a lesson.”

Michelle flipped through the six page, single-spaced multiple choice personality test without really paying attention.

“Jessica, you do remember I have three children of my own, don’t you?”

“We know, Michelle,” said Ryan, “And we value your input. Just like we value this Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set you brought us.”

“It’s just…” Jessica trailed off, then smiled at her sister. “Well, we just want everything to be perfect for our little Bristol. And this Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set … see, you bought the Bunny, and Bristol might enjoy that. But you made the choice to buy the Bunny. What if it’s you pushing your personality onto her?

“Subconsciously, of course,” Ryan added quickly.

“Of course,” Jessica agreed. “Michelle, I know you’d never knowingly manipulate Bristol, but what if you just don’t know that you’re doing it? Then again, what if this survey shows that your type is more oriented towards an Elephant or a Bear?”

“Or a Monkey!” Ryan added.

“Exactly," Jessica nodded seriously. “We don’t want to negatively influence our child’s emotional growth. All you have to do is pass the test, and then we can all be sure you bought this Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set for the right reasons.”

“Well, I was planning on seeing Mom for lunch, Jessica,” Michelle said. “I’m not sure I have time for a test today,”

Jessica nodded in agreement. “Michelle, I fully understand. So we’ll just let Bristol use the micro-plush blanket-

”-only for now!” added Ryan.

”-and then maybe later we can give her that included stuffed animal toy, once we all have time to think it over.”

Ryan walked to the bookshelf and picked up a book. “It’s all in our parenting book of choice, Michelle. Raising Homo Superior. I can let you borrow this copy if you don’t think it’s already too late for your kids.”

Ryan offered the book, Michelle took it. Then laughed. “Oh, wow. Wow, you guys.”

Ryan looked worried. Jessica pulled the Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set to her chest. “What is it” she said in a tiny voice.

“This book,” said Michelle. “It was discredited. I saw it in the paper just the other day.”

“Discred-?” Jessica melted into a tiny squeak of horror.

“We don’t allow papers in our house,” answered Ryan as he scrambled for some control. “The newsprint might have previously unknown carcinogens.”

“Guess that’s why you didn’t know.” Michelle stood up and smiled at the two worried parents. “Jessica, Ryan, I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I hope you haven’t done too much damage to my niece’s psyche.”

“But… the book!” Jessica was shaking a little. Ryan looked like he needed a drink.

“Should I see myself out?” Michelle held her poker face as she walked to the front door, talking over her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Jessica. Failure’s just part of being a mommy. I’m sure you two will get it right… eventually.”

“But the book was so confident!” Jessica called after her sister. “It was so confident! What do we do now?”

Michelle shrugged. “Improvise?”

As the door closed, Jessica looked at the Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set, then at Ryan, then at the Elegant Baby - Baby Blanket and Toy set again.

“Maybe we should consider a Skinner box,” she offered. Ryan stroked his goatee in consideration.

read more...

Into The Woods

Heading off to summer camp for the first time can be scary. Here are a few tips to help send your kids on their way.

Look your kids right in the eye and tell them they have nothing to worry about. Tell them you just know they’ll have a great time making new friends, exploring nature, and making colorful bracelets out of string. Character building. Make sure you mention how this experience will help them build character. Reassure your children that you love them very much and that you’ll be thinking about them the entire time they’re gone.

Do not mention the Casio Cruise you and your spouse will be on while they’re gone or that Grandma and Grandpa will be picking them up if there’s an emergency.

Let them know that you’ve packed away a special surprise t-shirt in their bag, something to remind them how special they are. Tell them that, if the feel scared, they should put that shirt on at bedtime and it’ll feel like a great big hug from Mom and Dad.

Do not tell them that some stranger in Texas picked it out randomly from a group of recently discontinued designs on a deal-a-day site and that you have no idea what’s actually printed on it. It’s probably best you don’t say anything about how much you’ve been looking forward to sunny beaches, fruity drinks, and the excitement of the craps table.

No playing with Ouija boards, tell them. And just in case they should happen upon some ancient Sumerian text hidden in a cave they came across on a hike, tell them not to read anything aloud that may have been written in blood. Summoning some Dark Thing into existence will only ruin their summer. Keep the fact that their college education rests on how much money Daddy makes at the roulette table to yourself.

read more...

As a mom with a 6-month-old son, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of parenting trends. I could tell you all about the baby gadgets you simply have to have and the ones you could go without. I could explain in great detail the color and consistency of poop and what each indicates. I could even write an exposé on the benefits of making your own baby food. But I will never be able to explain what goes through the mind of a mom who breast-feeds her child till age 3, or shudder to think, even longer.

Moms catch a lot of flack about breast-feeding. If you choose not to, you’re a monster. If you are simply unable, you’re a failure. I breast-fed my son until he was 3 months and then switched to formula for a variety of reasons. One: I was just simply not producing enough to keep up with him. I drank all the teas, took all the herbal supplements and even tried Reglan, but it made me crazy. Ok, crazier. Two: I went back to work as a freelancer, and my new workplace was less than pump-friendly. Three: It sucks. I love my son more than anything. I’m glad that I was able to provide him with a solid three months of breast-feeding. But good god was I glad when I didn’t have to have him or a pump latched on to me every second of the day.

I had a lot of guilt when I decided to switch to formula. Because that’s how the parenting community, and even some doctors make you feel. I thought I was a horrible mother. But then a friend reminded me that I wasn’t starving my child. I was still providing him with all the nutrients he needed to grow and develop. A horrible mother wouldn’t do that.

All that said, I am not defending Jamie Lynne Grumet. My opinion is if they have a full head of teeth, or they can ask for it, it’s game over. I’m just saying that I can kind of understand the pressure that can lead a mother to go to this kind of extreme. Yes, I’m disturbed by the image on the cover of TIME. I think it’s medically unnecessary and socially weird, if not even a little twisted. Not to mention the kid looks more like he’s 6, not 3. But I’ve always been a “to each his own” kinda gal, so who am I to judge?

What do you think?

read more...

HISTORY LESSON

So you’re NOT smarter than a fifth grader? At least you know a great price when you see it. And you certainly know how to have fun.

“Hey kids. Uncle Alex is here.” Michelle applied her lipstick and smoodged her lips together before closing her compact with a snap. “Your father and I are GOING OUT!”

“Sup, guys!” called Alex. At the sound of his voice, Jake vaulted off the couch, burst into the kitchen, and scrambled up Alex’s back like a baby monkey. Ella was already there herself, latched onto Alex’s right leg. Olivia stayed in the window seat and barely looked up from her book. “Olivia,” Alex said with a nod.

“What’d you bring us?!” Jake could barely contain his excitement. Uncle Alex always found the coolest toys.

“Well I hope you brought your hard hats, cuz we’re building a castle!” Alex set Jake on the floor and handed him the box for the Fisher-Price TRIO King’s Castle.

“We can put it in the bathtub and build a moat!” said Jake. Ella sat down next to Jake, lifting the box’s lid and grabbing the easy-click bricks to fit them together. Olivia yawned.

“Let’s just keep this one on dry land, bud,” said Alex. “Come on, Liv. You can raise and lower the drawbridge.”

“Oh gee. CAN I? Maybe after that, I can put on my wench costume and serve you guys big, sloshing mugs of mead.”

“Hey … Ixnay on the Ench-way,” Alex said with a darting look in Ella’s general direction. But it was too late.

“WENCH WENCH WENCH WENCH WENCH WENCH!” Ella screamed the word repeatedly while rolling the battering ram back and forth.

“Awesome, Liv. I’m gonna let you explain that one to your Mom,” said Alex. “Now why don’t you put down that book and come play with us. Aren’t you fascinated by medieval stuff? There were sword fights and princesses and knights in shining armor!”

“Yeah. And there was also death by stoning, an inhumane class system and, oh yeah … THE PLAGUE,” said Olivia in her most sarcastic, know-it-all tone.

“How old are you again?” said Alex.

“Old enough to know not to celebrate a time where innocent women were falsely accused of witchcraft and then burned alive at the stake,” said Olivia. “There’s a reason they called it The Dark Ages, Uncle Alex. And that’s just one example of the barbarism that was rampant in those days.”

“Oh, right. Cool, cool. So Jake, you wanna fire the catapult or use the horse to draw and quarter this little figure?”

read more...

HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

Once upon a time there were three kids who loved to paint … and terrorize their mother.

Michelle stretched her legs and took a sip of her chilled chardonnay as she glided gently back and forth on the porch swing. She watched thoughtfully as the warm spring breeze danced petals along the sidewalk, and listened as the birds chitter-chattered in the tree above. Somewhere off in the distance, she could hear the familiar buzz of a lawnmower. She took a deep, deliberate breath and imagined inhaling the sweet scent of freshly shorn grass. Right now, at this very moment … BLISS. And then:

“MOOOOOOOOM! LOOK at what he did! He painted Cinderella’s hair GREEN! Cinderella’s hair is NOT green! And he didn’t even STAY IN THE LINES!”

Michelle opened her eyes to find her 11-year-old daughter Olivia, arms outstretched, brandishing a still-quite-wet canvas of multi-colored Disney princesses. Her 7-year-old son Jake, the apparent offender, was crouched at the bottom of the stairs, completely unperturbed and inspecting a plump, wooly inchworm.

“Olivia, the set comes with five different paints, so he can color Cinderella’s hair whatever color he wants. Where is Ella?”

At that moment, a screeching flash of color came bursting through the screen door. It was Ella, Michelle’s 2-year-old, dressed in nothing but a diaper and covered head-to-toe in acrylic paint. With the way she gripped the paintbrush and wailed as she zigzagged across the yard, she resembled a tiny aboriginal warrior in the throes of battle.

“So let me get this straight,” Michelle said while pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re upset that your brother painted outside the lines, but you just sat idly by as your sister used herself as a human canvas?”

“Which one of us is the parent again, Mom?” Ella said sarcastically.

“Don’t remind me,” Michelle said with a smirk and one eyebrow raised. “Now go put away the rest of the Disney paint sets while I hose down your sister.”

read more...

Worst Plan Ever

Tim was the only one who wasn’t worried. He knew Ella was safe. She had her The First Years Pathway Booster Seat.

Michelle, of course, was frantic. She’d called the cops six times and even Olivia (their oldest) was starting to think it was excessive. Tim wasn’t thrilled, of course, because he knew Todd was an idiot. But Tim also knew that any man smart enough to grab The First Years Pathway Booster Seat on his way out the door absolutely had Ella’s best interest in mind.

“And when you get back, Todd, I’m going to take Granddad’s heirloom corkscrew and-” Tim could hear Michelle leaving another message on Todd’s phone; each one had been a little worse than the last. Tim knew he should be worried about his daughter, and he was… but…

Two weeks ago, Todd has asked Tim very specific questions about how The First Years Pathway Booster Seat actually worked. Tim had spent a good while showing off that easy-to-use belt-positioning adjustment feature to his brother-in-law, explaining how it could grow with Ella over the next few years. Tim made it clear that every The First Years Pathway Booster Seat underwent side-impact testing, and how each one conformed to the most stringent standards in the world.

Todd had even asked questions about Ella’s preferences, how she liked the deep, comfortable headrest and how to properly set the six-position adjustable “no-gap” back to make her happiest. Someone looking for trouble… well, Tim had no proof, but he had to believe that “Uncle Todd” wouldn’t ever hurt one of his nieces on purpose. There was some easy explanation to this, and that explanation would eventually make sense. Even if Michelle didn’t buy it for a second.

From the other room, Michelle let out a scream of joy and anger. It was distinct and primal, so primal that Tim didn’t have to wonder what was going on. He knew that when he opened the door, Todd’s car would be in the driveway.

By the time Tim stepped out of the house, Michelle was in tears, taking Ella from The First Years Pathway Booster Seat and screaming at Todd. Of course Ella was perfectly fine, fast asleep with ice cream on her mouth. Todd was grinning and waving a small piece of paper.

“Tim!” Todd yelled over Michelle. “I did it! I got her number! You know, Sally? The ice cream lady at the zoo? Turns out she thinks babies make a guy look responsible! Yeahhhhhh, buddy!”

Tim closed his eyes and looked away, but not before he saw the hate dripping down Michelle’s face. If there was a bookie in the garage, Tim might have bet heavy that Todd would not survive to make that date.

read more...

Unmarked Helicopters

This election year, it’s important to teach your children that helicopters could appear at any moment.

Two decades ago, decent people like me learned about the “shadow government” thanks to shows like The X-Files. I remember staying up every night staring out the window, just in case a scary helicopter swooped in to stop my search for the truth. I don’t know what I personally would have done against a secret government helicopter, but at least I was ready. And if I may paraphrase a wise man, knowing is most of the battle.

But, then, guess what? Big surprise! Those Washington fat-cats put the kibosh on all the shows I loved in the 90s. No more X-Files, no more Millennium, no more Babylon 5. Now it’s all Yo Gabba Gabba and Batman. The television wants my kid to think everything’s safe and happy. That’s how they getcha, see? And that’s why I bought a Phantom S107 GYRO RC Helicopter. To make sure my child never again sleeps like an innocent babe.

The Gyro design, probably based on the spaceship they hide at Groom Lake, means the Phantom S107 GYRO RC Helicopter is pretty darn stable. I can move it all directions, like left, right, forward, backward, even up and down. And if I want to hover it right over my child’s head and shine down the LED light while yelling FEDERAL AGENT! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD AND DON’T MOVE! I barely even have to touch the controls. It even charges up via a USB cable. It’s just that easy!

I admit, it’s hard to wrap my mind around the Phantom S107 GYRO RC Helicopter’s lovely colors (real government helicopters should always be black, you know) but I guess my kid’s still young and won’t know the difference. I’ll just say that, for now, the Phantom S107 GYRO RC Helicopter is a good “starter” lesson. I’m having a great time playing pilot, and my kid’s as nervous and panicked as I used to be every Sunday night around ten! Finally, we’ve got something in common!

Next week I’ll probably start looking for a cardboard alien to set up outside the bedroom window. Really, I’d be remiss as a parent if I didn’t teach this stuff.

read more...

You’re Totally His Favorite

“Honey, please, get out of the play maze. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t made for sad husbands.”

“Our son hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. Now come on, I want to get this thing separated, folded down, and put away so we can clean up a little before bed.”

“Just clean around me. I just want to lie here in the place where my son and I created such fond memories creating different arrangements of the safari-themed cubes and tunnels. You know, in those magic times before he decided he didn’t love me anymore.”

“Oh my gosh, David, so he didn’t want the peas you gave him. People don’t like peas. Your brother doesn’t like peas. Maybe it’s genetic. Besides, he ate the broccoli we offered him.”

“You mean the broccoli you offered him. YOU. Me, I could hand him the finest vegetables in the land and he’d scream like I asked him to chew glass. YOU could probably hand him a cactus and the kid would gobble it up and probably give you a thorny-ridden grin afterward. Face it, the one good thing to come from that drunken night in Vegas three years ago hates my guts.”

“And you think shoving your adult-sized body into his Playhut Ultimate Safari Maze and lying there in defeat is going to fix it?”

“Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. But I’d rather hide the twisted look of shame on my face within these durable and soft polyester walls when he finds me dead of a broken heart tomorrow.”

“Sigh. You think maybe some ice cream might fill the awful void you feel in your heart and get you to crawl out of there, honey?”

“Not without chocolate syrup. Whipped cream might help.”

read more...

Same old classics, same old classics

Disney: iconic as it ever was.

Well, I got bad news, you guys! I just talked to the higher-ups and it turns out we can’t just get tiny screens that play our movies, put them in book jackets, and call them ‘books.’ There’s actually going to have to be some paper involved.

“What??”

I know, I know. The good news is, we’re cleared for beautiful illustrations and padded covers that’ll be perfect for a child’s tiny hands. Now, all we need to do is come up with some book ideas. Anyone got any? Tom?

“Yeah, well, I was thinking, what about a brand new character that…”

Wait, what? Back it up! Did you say ‘brand new character’?

“Um, yeah… I was just thinking…”

Ugh! Tom! C’mon! We’ve got plenty of characters already! That’s it! Get out!

“But all I said was…”

No! Don’t say it again! Just go! Leave! I can’t stand even looking at you anymore! ... Alright, now that he’s gone, anyone else have any ideas? Samantha?

“I was thinking straight-up book versions of movies we’ve already made. Like, you know those beautiful illustrations you mentioned before? We’ve got all these film stills lying around – let’s put them to good use. Why mess with what works, right?”

Samantha, let me tell you something: you’ve got a bright future here at Disney!

read more...

Things change from infancy to adulthood.

When you’re a baby, it’s cool. When you’re an adult it’s “slovenly opulence.”

That’s life, kid. One day everyone’s bending over backwards to make you comfortable, and the next you’re out on your butt and you’re yesterday’s news and no one cares. Take this Boppy Nursing Pillow. When you’re a baby the idea of a pillow to keep you ergonomically positioned for comfortable feeding is a great idea! You can transition it to positions for propping, lying on your tummy, and sitting until you can master the core strength to sit correctly. It even comes with a slipcover since, as a baby, you might spill your meals on them and need easy cleaning.

Now flip the script. Say you’re 35 and you buy yourself a pillow to keep you ergonomically positioned while you eat. Already people are raising their eyebrows, right? And once they find out you want to adjust it in multiple positions for propping, tummy lying, and sitting correctly and all of a sudden everyone’s all judgmental. Mention that you have a slipcover to keep it clean from all the crap you spill while you’re eating and everyone wants to stage some kind of intervention to “put your life back on track.”

And don’t even get me started on people and their outdated ideas about age restrictions on breast feeding.

read more...