Kids.Woot® : One Day, You'll Understand™

Drawing Boundaries

Fine, fine, I’ll take your baby out for a walk. Just stick it in the stroller so I can get this over with.

Are you kidding? You’re going to put it in that thing? Okay, sorry, are you going to put “him” in that thing? Does he really need plush inner shearling and Thermaplush™ on the outside just to go outside? It’s bad enough I’m going to be seen with him for as long as it takes to go around the block, but is maximum warmth and comfort really something we have to worry about? And how am I supposed to know if he’s gonna… You know… “Do his business” or whatever while he’s zipped up all nice and snug in there?

You know what? You’re right. He’s ours, not just yours, and we should share the responsibility of taking care of him. I’m sure he’ll whine when he’s ready to come back inside, and the JJ Cole Original Bundleme is machine washable in case he has an accident, right? Right.

But, honey, I absolutely draw the line at you putting that plush shearling hat that came with it on the pug. I can only be emasculated so much.

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Should’ve Parodied The Paul Williams Version Instead

Alexander? You want to tell me why I got a letter from Gene Simmons’ lawyer this morning?

Buddy, we talked about this, okay? Remember what I said? That if I got you the K’NEX Hot Shot! Video Coaster you’d have to read up on all the complex laws involving trademark and copyright before you started making little movies? Oh, you did, huh? Well, then, why am I reading a cease and desist from the God of Thunder himself?

You don’t know, huh? Well, talk me through it. What did you do first? Okay, you used the K’NEX building pieces to assemble a huge roller coaster from the color-coded instructions… like the one over there? You built that? Wow, that is a nice roller coaster. Good job on that part.

But the part where you made a little movie where my Gene Simmons action figure gets run over by a roller coaster? Yeah, that’s the part that worries me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the shots you chose are fantastic. How’d you manage to get- oh, I see, the green car uses a built-in camera? And you can remove it and mount it on six fixed points to create “third person” shots? Then move it all to a computer with the supplied USB cable? I guess you could also use an SD card too, since I see the SD card slot. Too bad one wasn’t included and we’ll have to buy it separately.

But all that’s incidental to this letter I’m holding! Alexander, I raised you to be a KISS fan, and you know Gene’s very sensitive about roller coasters! That’s right, because he feels bad for being trapped into filming KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park. So if you know that, why in the world did you use his trademarked image in your otherwise well-directed movie?

What? Look at the document? Well, okay, but… wait, is that… is that Gene Simmons’ signature on the bottom? Aw, Alexander! Did you do all this just to trick Dr. Love into giving your old man an autograph? C’mere and let me give you a big hug! You’ll always be my Paul Stanley, buddy!

…but probably you’re not going to get to go to college. Yeah, Gene’s pretty serious about the business side of things, from what I hear. He’s probably gonna eat us alive at trial.

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Pushed Around

I know Mom wanted me to take you to the playground today, buddy, but trust me. That whole place was bad news.

Ugh. I don’t know about you, kiddo, but I got the shivers as soon as we got out of the car. Those weren’t kids, honey. Those were savages, all screaming and yelling and knocking each other down and jumping off stuff they weren’t supposed to climb on. And their lazy parents, geez, did you get a load of them? I don’t think any one of them looked up from their phones the whole fifteen seconds we were there. No way was I setting you loose to face that mob. Oops, you’ve got a little whipped cream on your nose. There. Daddy got it.

And, I mean, did you see the size of that slide? That thing was so big it might as well empty out into an emergency room. And why do they have to make it a tunnel the whole way down, huh? That’s just crazy, if you ask me. What if for some reason you got stuck coming down and one of those grunting proto-children came rocketing down and kicked you in the head? Daddy would go to jail for breaking a smartphone against some idiot parent’s face, that’s what. Does that sound like more fun than sitting in your Lamaze Ignite Stroller and getting ice cream with your old man? Heck no, it doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, kid. I’m all for you getting some fresh air. I’m more than happy to have you seated comfortably and safely in the five-point harness and we stroll around the park or neighborhood on the eight six-inch wheels. With all this storage space and these nice tall handles, I could take you out all day if necessary. But that back there screamed “YOU GUYS SHOULD GO GET SUNDAES.” I’m pretty confident I made the right decision. How about you, champ?

Man, this parenting thing isn’t so bad as long as I keep you away from other stupid people and their kids. I guess you still need exercise, though. Maybe you could conveniently make Mom chase after you at bath time or something. That should do it.

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I'm not a dad. Yet. But my wife and I plan on having kids some day, which is why I've started formulating my perfect parenting strategy now. Once you have kids, you're too close to the situation to really look at it objectively. Emotions get involved. Things get messy. If you don't want to make stupid mistakes that ruin your kids' lives, you need the kind of detached perspective you can only get from a childless 30-year-old joke writer on the Internet.

That's why I've decided to impart some of my knowledge to you, the current and future parents of children across the world, so that you have a half a chance of raising a decent human being.

Today's lesson? Rules. Specifically, don't have them...

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Warm and Handy

Do you think the people that organize the piano recitals care that we keep our piano in the three season room, Skyler? No!

And don’t you ask me again if we can move the piano into the living room! I’ve said it once and I say it still: the piano can be in the living room when you start using the piano to earn a living. Until then, it stays in the three-seasons room because I don’t need any of my friends coming over, seeing it, and saying, “Play us a tune, Skyler,” when you’re still just an amateur clunking out “Heart and Soul” without any heart or any soul, you understand?

Oh, I know it’s different at your friends’ houses. I know music lessons and recitals are just for “fun and enrichment.” I know that none of their parents’ expect them to be concert pianists at the age of 10. You know what else I know about your friends? NONE OF THEM WILL AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! The closest they’ll come to the stage of a concert hall is a third or fourth row seat. And when they look in the program, whose name will be there? Yours, Skyler! YOURS!

So, you better get your warm, super-soft Snuggie and those no-skid Slipper Socks on. Because according to your piano teacher, there’s another recital coming up next Friday, and I don’t care if it’s twenty-three degrees in the piano room: you will have learned Bartók’s “Piano Concerto No. 2” by then. Have I made myself clear? Good.

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Sorry, Kids

This is probably as close as most of you are ever going to get to owning a pony.

I understand how important it is for a child to have dreams and wishes. Really, I get that. However, you know the one where you and your tiny pony friend travel together and have amazing and harrowing adventures saving old Western towns or galloping across rainbows to have tea with your princess friends? I know it sounds harsh, but it’s probably best that you just let that dream go.

Don’t be too upset about it, kids. Ponies are just too expensive and impractical a gift to give a small child such as yourself. It’s better you know now rather than let the disappointment of never owning a pony grow into resentment toward your parents.

There are substitutes, though, like this Fisher-Price Go Baby Go! Bounce & Spin Zebra. Bouncing and spinning as you ride this plastic pseudo-pony is a much better time than wasting your young life hoping for something that’s never going to happen, don’t you think? Plus, you’ll be developing motor skills and enhancing your hand-eye coordination by simply climbing on and playing with the handlebar activities. Ponies don’t have handlebars, you know. All they do is eat carrots and break your heart.

Yes, a zebra isn’t exactly the same as a pony, but beggars can’t be choosers, especially when you’re between the ages of 12 and 36 months. See? There’s yet another life lesson for you! Isn’t giving up on your dreams fun?

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Creative Differences

I don’t care if nap time “interferes with your artistic growth,” young lady. You take off that smock and get in bed this instant.

Oh no, don’t you scowl at me like that, missy. I refuse to let you skip sleep and paint with your Melissa & Doug 27-Piece Art Easel Bundle so that you can be tired and cranky later and start making obnoxious claims like “art died with post-modernism.” Your latest expressionist masterpiece will still be there when you wake up.

Besides, you still haven’t painted that unicorn your grandmother said she wanted. Don’t think I didn’t see you roll your eyes just now! She gave you that art set for your birthday and I think the very least you could do to show your appreciation is draw her a magic horse on the roll of easel paper with the poster paints and brushes, chalk sticks, or dry-erase marker that came with it. Now hand me your smock so I can wipe it down and get ready for your nap.

I swear, honey, if you keep this attitude up, I will not be setting a place at the dinner table for your “muse” tonight. You’ve been quite the little terror since your invisible friend showed up in this house. Either you straighten up, or she can eat with the rest of the personifications of knowledge and the arts in Imagination Land or wherever.

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Opinion Test

The following is a personality test to determine if you should buy today’s Fisher-Price Smart Cycle for your child. Please click through to begin…

Please ask your child to read these four questions with you. Their answers will determine the type of person they are. Please ask them to answer honestly and with their first reaction. Scoring will follow at the conclusion of the test.

QUESTION ONE: Which of these fictional characters do you most identify with?

A: The guy from The Prisoner. I love how he’d face a world that combined old fashioned bicycles with action-filled computer screens for crazy results.
B: The main characters from Easy Rider. They only wanted to explore the land they called their home.
C: The hero of The Phantom Tollbooth. He made learning into an exciting journey that I hoped would never end!
D: The Fonz from Happy Days. He’d get on his bike and… aaaaay!

QUESTION TWO: What would be your most likely goal in a video game?

A: I’d really be looking for a secrets, you know? Like maybe an arcade mode hidden in a pit stop, or some subtext about man’s inhumanity to man. But more likely the arcade mode.
B: I want lots of places to explore. Maybe a mountain and a lake. And car racing.
C: I want lots of math games. And some language games too. And maybe some shapes. I can’t get enough education in my life!
D: I just want to ride, baby. A little physical activity and maybe some on-screen customization options. Aaaaay.

QUESTION THREE: How do you prefer to exercise?

A: I like to be trapped in one place for a long period of time. And if you can get a growling ball to guard me, that’d be ideal.
B: I like to be able to dream as I exercise. Maybe about a better world, where people don’t have to get haircuts.
C: I prefer thinking over exercise, but I guess I could be convinced to do both.
D: I only exercise because I want to impress the DelVeccio triplets. Aaaaaay.

QUESTION FOUR: What is your ultimate goal in life?

A: To escape, hopefully by overthrowing the system that traps me in a world of numbers. Naturally I’ll need to know how to manipulate those numbers for my own ends.
B: To see it all, man. I want to fill some sort of “creative journal” with snapshots and pictures of everything I did and solved.
C: To make new friends! Especially if they encourage me while I’m playing the game. It’s great to make new imaginary buddies.
D: To know enough math so that I can calculate gear ratios and maybe fill out a milage notebook. Because I just want to be on my bike, you know? Aaaaay.

Answer Key: Give yourself one point for every A, two points for every B, three points for every C and four points for every D. Check your total score against the answer key below.

0 – 4 POINTS:

You’re pretty well rounded! You know that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand. But you’re also trying to break away from the system that keeps you obedient. The Fisher Price Smart Cycle will be the perfect mix of challenging and educating, stimulating your mind as it helps you cycle away the stress. Just remember that it’s locked down, so don’t think it’ll help you escape. There’s no escape here.

5 – 8 POINTS:

Whoa, man! You’re the kind of visionary that would have fit nicely in times past. With the Fisher Price Smart Cycle, you’ll be able to travel those exciting lands like “Math Mountain” and “Shape Lake” and even find a racing game! Plus you’ll burn off that nervous energy that might otherwise get in the way of your studies and send you across the country in some crazy attempt to find yourself. Just skip right to the “selling out” part, okay? It’ll save everybody a lot of time.

9 – 12 POINTS:

Well, you’re a reader, aren’t you? And puns, you probably love puns. Don’t you worry, the Fisher Price Smart Cycle puts education above exercise. Even still, the games are constructed so you’ve got to pedal to play, so you’ll be getting exercise by default. But at least those legs will be strong when you have to out run the bullies.

13 – 16 POINTS:

Caught you, Mom and Dad! We said to have your CHILD take this test! And no child on the planet wants to be a ‘50s greaser these days. Let’s face it, you’re so old that the first wave of nostalgia is now something you’re nostalgic for. If you want to connect with your kid today, you’ve gotta get a Fisher Price Smart Cycle and let them learn to interact with and learn from imaginary computer people. That’s the only way they’re going to grow up and get straight aaaaaay’s.

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Working hard or hardly working

If Hanger Buddiez have taught me anything, it’s that Rex and Fluffy better pick up their game.

Rex, Fluffy, you know I love you guys, right? I mean, we’re BFFs, right?

Like, there’s nothing I love more than coming home from a long day at school and throwing you the tennis ball, Rex. And Fluffy, it sure makes doing homework easier when I’ve got you curled up in my lap, purring like an angel.

And the reason I’m saying all this is so you know we’re cool, and so you don’t take offense to what I’m about to say next, which is that I’m tired of you guys freeloading.

Look, you can talk about the “intangibles” all day, about how you provide a certain service that’s “difficult to quantify.” And I almost believe that, too. Or, at least, I would believe that if mom hadn’t gotten me these Silly Brandz Hanger Buddiez. You see, what these things have shown me is that animals can be fun, cute, and do something unarguably valuable, like hold my clothes up. Are your roles as pseudo-therapeutic affection providers really so important that you should be exempt from real work? No way.

So, ball’s in your court, guys. You can choose whatever job you want, just no touchy-feely stuff like you’ve been doing for years. We need measurable outcomes here. Let’s meet up again in a week and talk about what you’ve come up with, alright?

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Have A Seat

Every kid needs a place to sit quietly and really think about what they’ve done.

In retrospect, I could’ve handled the whole situation differently. Snatching Molly’s doll from her as she was playing was wrong, I admit it. And when she screamed that I give it back to her, the correct response was not throwing it in the toilet and flushing. I see that now, especially after spending the last thirty minutes in my KidKraft Chocolate Chenille Rocker in the Time-Out Corner.

What a fool I was! Of course Molly has the same right to play with her toys as anyone else in this house! I would’ve been just as upset with her if she had been caught playing Tea Time with my robots and army dudes. I just didn’t see that at the time. It took some hard reflection on my actions while rocking in cozy comfort with my feet up on the included ottoman to show me how horrible I had been. Poor Molly, caught up in the still somewhat uncontrollable flux of emotions I am forced to muddle through as I grow and develop. She deserves better from her older brother and I’d like to apologize at once.

Have I learned anything? Boy, you bet I have. Actions have consequences, and the consequence of being bad is having to sit in a chair and come up with a convincing apology for half an hour. Next time, I’ll know to plan better.

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